The insanity of May 2021

 So, so much is going on.  I haven't posted in over a year, despite spending a lot of quality time at home.  From April 2020 to May 2021, we have been a little shaken by a lot of normal things, and a few unexpected ones.

In May of 2020,  the grass was fresh and new, and the air was finally warm enough to enjoy, and we had been cooped inside all winter with a March and April of shutdown.  I went outside wearing shoes and socks, like a sucker, to keep away the mosquitoes from my delicate feet- and my feet really were delicate, because in five seconds, I slid and twisted my ankle and broke it in FOUR places.

So my summer was spent in a chair, crawling up to the third floor to go to bed, everything difficult and annoying- Josh made me breakfast and dinner for a long time, and one week we ate rice seven times.  It did not reveal my best self.  I was miserable.  Up here in Northern Maine, winter feels so forever long, and summer is our relief, and I felt like I missed it.  In early August I was able to walk on it sparingly, and we went to the Lake House in Vermont, but it didn't really feel better until November.I told myself that I would do lots of writing while I was stuck in bed/chair, but I didn't.  I did watch a lot of tv.  I practiced my guitar until the winter hibernation mode kicked in.  

But I did feel so much better by November!  I've been so thankful for the use of my foot.  Its been just over a year, and it feels mostly back to normal, except it seems to swell a little faster than normal.  

And my ankles are swelling, just like my belly, despite losing weight since my sedentary period last summer, because Josh and I are expecting another baby on June 6th!  Unexpected, unplanned, and honestly, unconsidered.  I had given up trying to convince Josh that we we not done, having the thought that 40 years old would be too old for a baby, but God planned something different for us, and our next baby boy will be here soon.  I'll admit to feeling shocked, and surprised, and having an incredibly hard time trying to picture a baby in our house again, but I have come to a place of intense gratitude.  I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to be pregnant again, even though this pregnancy has been marked by less energy and a miserable diagnosis of gestational diabetes that has made everything more complicated.  I get to again experience a baby growing and moving inside of me, and feel the connection that is unique to pregnancy.  I worry because the doctor's worry- they are so worried, not because their tests reveal anything wrong, but because I'm 43, and statistically at a higher risk for everything.  I pray through it all and know that I would never do anything different- that this gift of pregnancy and a growing baby is enough in itself, even if everything that could go wrong does.

And I pray that nothing goes wrong, and that I'm a made into a better mother with every week that passes, for all of my kids.

Especially since Josh and I have come to a stage where we are changing how we parent once of our children dramatically.  Bowden graduates June 4th from Washburn High School, and is planning on living at home and attending the University of Maine in Presque Isle in the fall, although he will be living at home.  This next week is supposed to be full of all kinds of activity and craziness, and then on June 10th he will turn 18.  He's always been an amazing guy- I'm biased and I know it- but Im also convinced that its objectively true.  He is fun-loving, and an incredible speaker, and so confident.  He's always been his own person, and I can't wait to see what path he takes in the next few years.  I'm so glad that he's sticking around for the next few years- his baby brother needs to get to know him.

Bowden and Lucy and Jack are all playing baseball/softball this year, and we are so grateful for a small school that has been open most of the year, and has offered all of the typical things- despite the amount of driving to practices and games I do.  We really love this town and our school, and I especially love having my kindergartner and my senior in the same campus.

My mom and Eric and my sister are coming out for the graduation- its been 2 years since I've seen them, and I can't wait.  We have three days to get everything ready, and I'm trying not to count down...the visit is so short that I want to be present in each moment.

Jack graduates from middle school this year- he's been so impressive in how dedicated and creative he's been in school and out.  He's hard on himself, but he pushes himself to be successful in school and sports.  His perspective is as interesting and unusual as ever.

That's just a taste of this upcoming month, an I know it holds a lot that I can't picture right now.  Im wavering between wishing all of the busy-ness was over, and wanting to slow it all down.